The Realisation
by Autumn-Aurora82
Summary: This is my first attempt at fan fiction. This story focuses on Miranda as she realises she loves Steve. Take from S6E01, To Market To Market.
1. The Poop Party

**The Realisation**

_In a take of Series 6, Episode 1, Miranda realises she's in love with Steve and finds it hard to deal with. I, of course, do not own any of the following characters – Darren Star does. This piece also contains dialogue from Series 6, Episode 1 – To Market, To Market, which was not written by me._

**Chapter One - Poop Party**

It was a typical Friday night in for me. Typical, these days, being filled with dirty diapers and baby talk rather than Dirty Martini's and flirting. Steve was at the apartment, which was the pretty much the norm. Since Brady was born, he'd become almost a permanent fixture. Not that I minded so much nowadays, the first couple of months he'd manage to piss me off on more than one occasion by randomly turning up to 'hang out' with Brady. But it turned out this baby thing is not as easy as I thought, I had to let down my guard and let some help in. Help being Steve and Magda.

So this typical Friday night with Steve hanging out with his take out food, I was changing Brady; not my favourite thing to do but it's gotta be done and while sweeping the hair from my eyes and managed unwittingly to wipe shit on my forehead.

"Erm, Miranda?" said Steve, hesitantly as I picked Brady up "You got a little doody on your forehead"

"What?" I said slightly horrified "Where?"

I absent mindedly wiping my forehead, I managed to spread yet more poop across my forehead

Steve, amusement spreading across his face, cringed and said, "Oh, no, now you got more, the other side"

"Which side?" I asked impatiently as I swept my hair away from my forehead. Steve began to giggle like a teenage boy.

"Well, Help! It's not funny!" I cried flustered as Steve continued to laugh. "Baby wipe me!"

Still chuckling Steve grabbed a baby wipe. "Baby wipe, baby wipe me," he taunted as he reached across to remove the offending excrement from my forehead.

"Get it off!" I whined, knowing that actually it was quite funny, but not wanting Steve to know I was amused as he carried on mocking my almost pathetic moans "I did not say it like that, just get it off!"

"Aww baby wipe me!" Steve wailed, still mocking me. I wasn't going to let him get away with this!

Grabbing the soiled baby wipe from his hand, the tables turned "Oh yeah?!" I said, my eyes widening "Lets see how you like it!" I went to wipe the poop on his face he turned to run round the living room.

"Miranda, no!" he said as I chased him into the living room with the baby wipe at arm's length and Brady on my shoulder. "Knock it off"

"Knock it off, knock it off!" I taunted as Steve ran to the other side of the dining table

"Brady help!" yelled Steve breathlessly with fake panic in his voice, "Tell mommy to stop chasing daddy"

That's when it dawned on me. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as I looked into Steve's childlike face and realised.... I loved him. I was in love with Steve. I had been all along, since we first split up but had pushed it back to the depths of my unconscious mind. Now, here it was bubbling on the surface. But what was I gonna do now? Yell out "I love you" standing in the living room, mid chase with shit on my face. I panicked.

Steve saw the expression on my face change from fun to freaked out "What?"

I straightened up and tried to look stern and pissed off. "I just don't think it was so fucking funny. You weren't the one with shit on your face" I looked down to my feet knowing that this wasn't the right way to go about things, but knowing that I had to hide how I was really feeling.

Steve looked confused "You were chasing me!" He said loudly

I looked at him, trying not to let the tears well up in my eyes. Here was the man I loved, who I had a baby with, a great man, and I was picking a fight with him.

"Look, I don't have time for this" I said impatiently "I have to get up early" Brady began to cry. It was as if he knew what I was doing. I felt a twinge of guilt but I had to stick to my guns now I'd started, there was no going back. "I don't even know why you're still here" I continued abruptly, "You dropped off the baby hours ago, I don't have time to stand around while you read the paper and order food in. Don't you have a life?!"

Steve looked at me half angry, half hurt "Yeah" he said darkly, "I've got a life" he walked over and kissed Brady on the head "bye Brady" then walked out of the apartment.

I looked desperately at the door and then at Brady before throwing the baby wipe down.

"Fuck"


	2. The Good, The Bad and The Cynical?

**Chapter Two – The Good, The Bad and The Cynical?**

Forty minutes later, I sat at the table and stared round in disbelief. What had just happened? Ok, I knew I loved Steve, I realised that at Bobby Vine and Bitsy Von Muffling's Hampton Wedding a fortnight ago. That was around the time that Steve and I last had sex. It wasn't planned, it was just one of those things. Maybe I knew then? Maybe that's why I went to that charade of a wedding, to run away from my feelings, but I couldn't stay away forever, and it felt like they just bit me on the ass.

I looked around. The discarded take out. The newspaper tossed on the end of the sofa next to the remote controls. The bear with the New York Knicks sweater. There were traces of Steve everywhere.

I had to pull myself together. I began to tidy up and stopped. I didn't want to remove the stuff he'd left. Why did I have to pick that fight? But what could I do? Scream after him as he left "I'm only screaming at you because I love you!" How fucked up would that be?!

Maybe the question should be how fucked up am I? I sighed to myself as walked slowly to the kitchen and threw the cold food into the trash. This could be it. The beginning of the end. The end to dating that is, which can't be a bad thing. Being a single mom was hard but not half as hard as dating _when_ you're a single mom; a 37 year old old single mom with a career at that.

I looked at the photos that Magda had stuck on the refrigerator door. There staring back of me were a dozen or so pictures of my beautiful little boy, _our_ beautiful little boy. 18 months ago I would never have believed that I would want to be a mother let alone have a baby. It was unthinkable. As was falling in love but here I was, in love with Steve and not doing anything about it.

I tutted to myself and shook myself "Pull yourself together" I muttered under my breath to myself

There was no way I could fall in love again, look what happened last time. I had my heart broken so bad.... and became the way I am today - cynical. Cynical?! Boy, is that an understatement! I sighed again and went to sit in the living room, next to Steve's discarded New York Times. I couldn't really blame my cynicism on one relationship or one heartbreak; it was a combination of many crappy relationships.

All the same, I thought, do I really wanna risk it all on Steve? It didn't work out before, why would it work out this time. I stopped myself and said out loud "It's not him, it's me!"

Steve isn't the bad guy, he never was. It's me; I'm the bad guy. It's my fault we ever broke up in the first place.

Frustrated with my own thoughts and feelings, I grabbed for the phone ready to call Carrie but before I could hit the speed dial, I stopped. I didn't know what to say. And anyway I guessed what she would say, because I knew in my own mind. I was being irrational about the whole breaking up before thing. At that point in my life, things were different. There was no stability, no Brady, no progress at work (I made partner at work the day Steve moved out). Things have changed since then, and those things in turn have changed me. Time changes things.

I put the phone down and recommenced tidying my emotion-riddled apartment. Consciously telling myself that if I moved all the stuff that reminded me of Steve, I could put tonight to the back of my mind. But already at the back of my mind, I knew there was no way I could get this out of my head now. I tidied frantically.

Before I headed for bed, I checked on Brady. As I watched him sleep, I felt a huge jolt of emotions; love, unconditional love, not just for him, but also for his daddy. I smiled momentarily then I rolled my eyes at myself.

Confused and exhausted with all the thoughts in my mind. Climbing into bed I whispered to myself, "Sleep on it, it'll be better in the morning." I switched off the lights but not the thoughts in my head. I had a restless, dreamless night. Gone were the days when I could just blank out my feelings.


	3. The Morning After

**Chapter Three – The Morning After**

I wasn't the only one who had a restless night. Brady had been up too. Maybe he was picking up on my angst or something, I don't know, but as he was napping the next morning I found a few spare minutes to take a bath and relax. As if the warm water and bubbles would wash away the thoughts and events of the preceding nights.

I got into the bath, slid deep into the warm water and closed my eyes. As I did so the whole argument ran over and over in my head. There were so many things I could have done differently. I snorted to myself, yet another understatement and by now I had to laugh or I'd cry and I'd never been big on crying.

At that moment, Brady stirred, which was good timing as I was seriously considering drowning myself!

I somehow managed to drag myself out of the bath, dress Brady and myself, and eat something that resembled breakfast. I decided to stop dwelling on thing and head out to buy some groceries.

"Come on Brady, let's pull ourselves together and get out of here, what do you say?" I smiled at him as he gurgled a kind of response.

I threw on some make up and made my hair look sorta tidy before gazing in the mirror. I imagined Steve behind me, kissing my cheek saying how pretty I look just like he used to when we were together. Without really thinking, I picked up my cell, found Steve's number and pressed dial. What am I doing I thought all of a sudden. I gasped as his answering machine picked up. "Hey, it's me, I'm not here." I listened with a twinge of desperation, half wishing he'd answered "Try me at Scout, 957-7297; don't forget the 212" I hung up just before the beep. "What am I crazy?!" I said quietly to myself.

I quickly put some food down for Fatty, strapped Brady into his stroller and headed out of my apartment to the local grocery store. But as I was walking down West 78th Street, I stopped. I couldn't keep my thoughts in any longer. I needed a friendly ear and a stiff drink.

"Sorry Brady, the grocery's gonna have to wait, we're gonna go see Auntie Carrie"

After running back in and dumping the stroller, I returned to the street, carrying Brady in my left arm, I hailed a taxi with my right. I climbed into the first one to stop; flustered and impatient I managed to stutter, "245 East 75th Street, please, quick as you can"

A short taxi ride later she arrived at Carrie's building and buzzed. "Hello?" came the chirpy voice

"It's me," I replied flatly

"Well, hey sweetie, come on up"

I walked up the stairs to the apartment, running through what to say in my head, but this was Carrie, my best friend, I didn't need to worry about saying this stuff to Carrie... It's Steve I'm worrying about saying it to.

Carrie opened the door as I reached it.

"Hey," she said breathlessly

There was no point holding back, I thought, may as well get straight to the point

"I'm in love with Steve" I announced, I walked past Carrie, handing Brady to her as I passed "Hold this"

"Oh my God, I can't believe it" Carrie said in a mock surprised way to Brady as she shut the door.

I turned to look at her "Come on" I started "Are you seriously telling me you didn't know?"

I knew full well that she knew and she always had. How is it your friends can always see what's right, but you can't? You rationalize so much that you no longer realize what's right and wrong. But your friends, well, they can be objective.

"Oh I knew" she said amazed "I just can't believe you admitted it"

See.

I was emotionally exhausted. "I need a drink, what have you got?"

Carrie frowned "It's 11.30 on a Saturday morning"

I looked her astonished "Did you not hear me say that I'm in love with Steve?!"

She gave me a look "I think I have an old bottle of Kahlua somewhere" she said, and walked past me to the kitchen, with Brady. "Ok, hold on there Brady, momma needs a cocktail!"

I decided to explain myself right there and then. "Last night we were in the dining room laughing, and all of sudden I looked over at him and I realised" I paused momentarily as what I was about to say sunk in; "we belong together"

Carrie stopped rifling through her cupboards and looked at me "Oh Miranda" she said empathetically.

"Yeah" I said in agreement "So I picked a huge fight and threw him out of my apartment" I said quickly, realizing how ridiculous I sounded

Carrie winked and said sarcastically "Good thinking"

I stood there feeling better for talking, but not feeling better about the situation. Yes I had opened up and got all the thoughts out of my head to someone else, but now I was more confused than ever. I thought frantically about my next step and the fight and everything as Carrie talked about something, I'm not sure what. All of a sudden the ridiculousness of everything came out.

"I so cannot be in love with Steve, Steve is _so_ not the guy for me," I said in frustration as tears welled up in my eyes. No sooner as had the words left my mouth, had I realised how wrong I was. I'd been thinking constantly about it for hours and hours and coming here, saying out loud, made things clear.

"Err, Miranda..." said Carrie who was going to enquire about Triscuits, but how was I to know!

I stood still, taken aback by my own revelation "You're right, Steve so is the guy for me" I said as Carrie said something about crackers, half listening I replied "no" before carrying on

"How can I have been wrong all these years?"

"You weren't wrong," she replied while keeping Brady occupied "It just took you a while to get here" She turned to look at me "So what are you going to do?"

I didn't know what to do. I knew I loved Steve and wished that I could make things right, but I also knew it wouldn't be difficult.

Little did I know that a few months later, I'd get my wish? Back with Steve, married and living in Brooklyn. Who could have predicted that? I know I couldn't.


End file.
